So it has been just about 8 months....

2 days after my last entry I finally gave birth. It has been a rollercaoster 8 months since.
Brynn is a beautiful baby. She is my little princess and boy does she live up to the nickanme.
Emilee has completed kindergarden and did great!
Liam...well...he is a holly terror but we love him to death. He is now in speech therapy for low oral muscle tone. I will get more into that another time.


My main reason for wanting to blog again is I have come to a huge, life altering discovery about myself in the last few days. In the process of looking up support groups for my overeating(ie. overeaters annon) I discovered I have an eating disorder. Most people just think of Anorexia or Bulimia. I came to find out there is a newly discovered form.

Binge Eating Disorder
Binge eating disorder is a newly recognized condition that probably affects millions of Americans. People with binge eating disorder frequently eat large amounts of food while feeling a loss of control over their eating. This disorder is different from binge-purge syndrome (bulimia nervosa) because people with binge eating disorder usually do not purge afterward by vomiting or using laxatives.


This is me. Even Jim read about it and said the same thing.

So where do I go from here? I am not really sure right now. There is a treatment center not to far from me. Jim is going to call our insurance tomorrow to see what is covered. I think i will call the center tomorrow.

I guess I am just...well...in shock. I have seen so many programs on TV about people with eating disorders. I would have never thought I would ever fit that.

I am scared...scared that I will never be able to overcome this. The only person I have talked to about this is Jim. My best friend who i would normally tell is going through a rough time right now with her Mom. I can't lay this on her too.

Top this all off with 2 big scares medically with Jim right now. I am one stressed out Mama!

40 weeks 4 days....ARGHHH!!!

WHo in the hell would have thought I would still be pregnant now??!!!

I have a NST scheduled for Friday morning along with an amniotic fluid check and an u/s. Induction will be scheduled for NEXT thrusday or friday.

My emotions are so screwed up it isn't even funny. I hate waiting.

37weeks 2 days

A trip to the hospital this moring. Boy do I feel stupid though. After a while weekend of contrations nothing has changed. God I am frustrated!

My muscles are sore and I am exhasted from lack of sleep.

Top that off and today is national Pregnancy and infant loss remeberance day. I forgot about it until I logged onto my boards. I was emtional before now....well...I am a mess.

ENough said.

Never thought I would say this but....

I am soooooo ready for this baby to be born! I have not said that before birth with either Em or Liam. I love being pregnant normally. I can't exactly explain it but I just want to be done right now. I know it is to early for her(I am just about 36 weeks). I know it is better for her to stay at least another week.

BUT>>>>

I am ready. I am anxious. I am an emotional wreck. I am bitchy beyond belief. I just feel like life is on hold right now.

I feel horrible deep down for feeling this way. I always hated to hear other pregnant woman complain about wanting their babies out early. Now, here I am, saying the same thing. What a hypocrit I am.

I went into L&D 2 nights ago because I ahdn't felt Brynn move all day. As soon as I got on the monitors she started going nuts. Probably the most active she ahs EVER been. Strange...almost like she saved all her energy all day long and released it all right then. She scared the crap out of me though! Maybe being in the hospital, in the delivery room got me like this. Maybe being there has me wishing to just get it over and done with. I don't know.

I did tell Jim that no matter what we decide about having another baby in a few years I have to be at a MUCH lower weight. I don't think I can take another pregnancy at this kind of weight. My first wasn't to bad. Liam's was a bit worse but this one....wow....ouch is about all I can say. I am waking up in the morning and barely able to move becuase of my back, hips and legs. This morning was pretty bad. God how I wanted Jim to stay home and let me crawl back in bed.

See?!?! I have never been one to complain while pg!

I am scared too. Still so unsure of my emotions after I deliver. I did talk to my OB at my last appointment about the possibility of (ok how do I put this)....something of Aiden reamining(sorry). With them having seperate placentas I am afraid of the OB missing it if soemthing does remain. This could cause extra bleeding. At the same time I hate thinking of it because it is so morbid. I hate to think of my baby Aiden in any other way then the perfect baby on the u/s machine at 12 week...moving, kicking..just bouncing away or the 15 week u/s......seeing his perfect little body but no heartbeat. Now I have to worry about what will be reamining.


GOD I JUST WANT THIS ALL OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY GIRL AND FULLY MOURN MY BABY BOY!!!!!!!!!!

Will I ever have a full happy entry?

Hard week here. I have broken down multiple time this week. It started Tuesday when I was looking through pics to print out for Em for school. She had a paper t-shirt to do so eveyrone could get to know her. Well I thought I had the latest u/s photos scanned in and I would print out one to include so everyone would know she had a baby sister coming. I didn't have them scanned in. The only one I have scanned in from this pregnancy is the first one. The u/s we found out we were having twins. The one were you can so plainly see the 2 sacs. The one were we put the announcement on for Easter to tell everyone.
Well, I lost it. The rest of the day was horrible. I would start crying at anything. I felt so overwhelmed by everything. Making dinner, taking care of the kids, doing the laundry and even the dishes. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry an dlet everything else just disapear.
I feel so disconnected from Brynn. I am so ashamed to admit that. I want her so badly and I cna't wait for her to be here. At the same time though......this is just not like my first 2. Even Jim has barely touched my belly. He has never talked to her. I am scared...to be honest. Scared of how I am going to feel once she is here. I am so ashamed of that. This is not the way I am supposed to be feeling right now.
I am 34 weeks tomorrow. It is getting close. I have NOTHING ready. NOTHING. I start to think about it and again I get overwhelmed and panicked. Why don't I have anything ready? I don't know. Yet again...ashamed.
I have been reading a woman's journal on PO and I realize even more how ashamed I am. She is going through hell...knowing her baby will not make it after birth. She is carring her baby to term knowing her baby is going to die.
I have a healthy baby inside of me and here I am crying and wondering how I am going to feel after she arrives. How horrible of me to have these feelings when I know I will be holding and taking home my healthy baby.
You would think after all my years stuggling with infertility that I would know better then to feel like this. I can't stop it though...can't turn it off. I wish I could....God I wish I could stop these feelings.
I just want to go back to May 10th and have is be completely different. I want my Aiden back.
I want my Aiden back
I want my Aiden back
I want my Aiden back......

I have a Kindergardner

Scary isn't it? Emilee's first day was yesterday. She was so incredibly excited. She got on the bus and waved to me. See, she made me a deal....if I stopped crying she would wave to me. I did well....until the bus left...lol
She didn't even wave to me this morning...(pout pout). I will have to have a chat with her about that...lol My baby is growing up so fast.

Speaking of babies...I am 32.5 weeks now. Time is flying! Brynn is doing well. She is so so active! I am thinking she is still breech right now because all the stron gkicks are down low. I was pretty sad yesterday. I had my OB appointment with a different Doc. She didn't really look at my records and said I needed a non stress test. I said I didn't think so...everything has been completely normal. She didn't read my records and didn't see that Aiden had passes away at 15 weeks. She apologized but it still stung. Just reminded me of what would be going on right now if I still had him alive and kicking inside of me. Will this pain ever go away?

Hectic Life

I don't have much time to post even right now. I have to take Liam to the Doctor today because we are on day 8 or 9 of the runs. Poor little man has bleeding sores on his behind. We have been trying everything but nothing seems to be working. Even the Doc said it seems we are doing everything right so he wants to see him.

Emilee is doing well. She is excited to start school soon. I still can't belive she is ready for Kndergarden already.

My B-day was over the weekend. Very lowkey as I did not want to celebrate turning 29...lol.

Jim and I have been working late everynight on the new webpage for the Watershed Association. It has turned out nice I think. A lot more work then I thought it would be though.

Ok, have to run and get ready!