My Hopes, My Dreams, My Loves....My Life

So it has been just about 8 months....

2006-06-27T20:26:00.000-04:00

2 days after my last entry I finally gave birth. It has been a rollercaoster 8 months since.
Brynn is a beautiful baby. She is my little princess and boy does she live up to the nickanme.
Emilee has completed kindergarden and did great!
Liam...well...he is a holly terror but we love him to death. He is now in speech therapy for low oral muscle tone. I will get more into that another time.

My main reason for wanting to blog again is I have come to a huge, life altering discovery about myself in the last few days. In the process of looking up support groups for my overeating(ie. overeaters annon) I discovered I have an eating disorder. Most people just think of Anorexia or Bulimia. I came to find out there is a newly discovered form.

Binge Eating Disorder
Binge eating disorder is a newly recognized condition that probably affects millions of Americans. People with binge eating disorder frequently eat large amounts of food while feeling a loss of control over their eating. This disorder is different from binge-purge syndrome (bulimia nervosa) because people with binge eating disorder usually do not purge afterward by vomiting or using laxatives.

This is me. Even Jim read about it and said the same thing.

So where do I go from here? I am not really sure right now. There is a treatment center not to far from me. Jim is going to call our insurance tomorrow to see what is covered. I think i will call the center tomorrow.

I guess I am just...well...in shock. I have seen so many programs on TV about people with eating disorders. I would have never thought I would ever fit that.

I am scared...scared that I will never be able to overcome this. The only person I have talked to about this is Jim. My best friend who i would normally tell is going through a rough time right now with her Mom. I can't lay this on her too.

Top this all off with 2 big scares medically with Jim right now. I am one stressed out Mama!

40 weeks 4 days....ARGHHH!!!

2005-11-02T13:00:00.000-05:00

WHo in the hell would have thought I would still be pregnant now??!!!

I have a NST scheduled for Friday morning along with an amniotic fluid check and an u/s. Induction will be scheduled for NEXT thrusday or friday.

My emotions are so screwed up it isn't even funny. I hate waiting.

37weeks 2 days

2005-10-10T14:19:00.000-04:00

A trip to the hospital this moring. Boy do I feel stupid though. After a while weekend of contrations nothing has changed. God I am frustrated!

My muscles are sore and I am exhasted from lack of sleep.

Top that off and today is national Pregnancy and infant loss remeberance day. I forgot about it until I logged onto my boards. I was emtional before now....well...I am a mess.

ENough said.

Never thought I would say this but....

2005-09-29T15:57:00.000-04:00

I am soooooo ready for this baby to be born! I have not said that before birth with either Em or Liam. I love being pregnant normally. I can't exactly explain it but I just want to be done right now. I know it is to early for her(I am just about 36 weeks). I know it is better for her to stay at least another week.

BUT>>>>

I am ready. I am anxious. I am an emotional wreck. I am bitchy beyond belief. I just feel like life is on hold right now.

I feel horrible deep down for feeling this way. I always hated to hear other pregnant woman complain about wanting their babies out early. Now, here I am, saying the same thing. What a hypocrit I am.

I went into L&D 2 nights ago because I ahdn't felt Brynn move all day. As soon as I got on the monitors she started going nuts. Probably the most active she ahs EVER been. Strange...almost like she saved all her energy all day long and released it all right then. She scared the crap out of me though! Maybe being in the hospital, in the delivery room got me like this. Maybe being there has me wishing to just get it over and done with. I don't know.

I did tell Jim that no matter what we decide about having another baby in a few years I have to be at a MUCH lower weight. I don't think I can take another pregnancy at this kind of weight. My first wasn't to bad. Liam's was a bit worse but this one....wow....ouch is about all I can say. I am waking up in the morning and barely able to move becuase of my back, hips and legs. This morning was pretty bad. God how I wanted Jim to stay home and let me crawl back in bed.

See?!?! I have never been one to complain while pg!

I am scared too. Still so unsure of my emotions after I deliver. I did talk to my OB at my last appointment about the possibility of (ok how do I put this)....something of Aiden reamining(sorry). With them having seperate placentas I am afraid of the OB missing it if soemthing does remain. This could cause extra bleeding. At the same time I hate thinking of it because it is so morbid. I hate to think of my baby Aiden in any other way then the perfect baby on the u/s machine at 12 week...moving, kicking..just bouncing away or the 15 week u/s......seeing his perfect little body but no heartbeat. Now I have to worry about what will be reamining.

GOD I JUST WANT THIS ALL OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY GIRL AND FULLY MOURN MY BABY BOY!!!!!!!!!!

Will I ever have a full happy entry?

2005-09-16T09:24:00.000-04:00

Hard week here. I have broken down multiple time this week. It started Tuesday when I was looking through pics to print out for Em for school. She had a paper t-shirt to do so eveyrone could get to know her. Well I thought I had the latest u/s photos scanned in and I would print out one to include so everyone would know she had a baby sister coming. I didn't have them scanned in. The only one I have scanned in from this pregnancy is the first one. The u/s we found out we were having twins. The one were you can so plainly see the 2 sacs. The one were we put the announcement on for Easter to tell everyone.
Well, I lost it. The rest of the day was horrible. I would start crying at anything. I felt so overwhelmed by everything. Making dinner, taking care of the kids, doing the laundry and even the dishes. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry an dlet everything else just disapear.
I feel so disconnected from Brynn. I am so ashamed to admit that. I want her so badly and I cna't wait for her to be here. At the same time though......this is just not like my first 2. Even Jim has barely touched my belly. He has never talked to her. I am scared...to be honest. Scared of how I am going to feel once she is here. I am so ashamed of that. This is not the way I am supposed to be feeling right now.
I am 34 weeks tomorrow. It is getting close. I have NOTHING ready. NOTHING. I start to think about it and again I get overwhelmed and panicked. Why don't I have anything ready? I don't know. Yet again...ashamed.
I have been reading a woman's journal on PO and I realize even more how ashamed I am. She is going through hell...knowing her baby will not make it after birth. She is carring her baby to term knowing her baby is going to die.
I have a healthy baby inside of me and here I am crying and wondering how I am going to feel after she arrives. How horrible of me to have these feelings when I know I will be holding and taking home my healthy baby.
You would think after all my years stuggling with infertility that I would know better then to feel like this. I can't stop it though...can't turn it off. I wish I could....God I wish I could stop these feelings.
I just want to go back to May 10th and have is be completely different. I want my Aiden back.
I want my Aiden back
I want my Aiden back
I want my Aiden back......

I have a Kindergardner

2005-09-07T09:16:00.000-04:00

Scary isn't it? Emilee's first day was yesterday. She was so incredibly excited. She got on the bus and waved to me. See, she made me a deal....if I stopped crying she would wave to me. I did well....until the bus left...lol
She didn't even wave to me this morning...(pout pout). I will have to have a chat with her about that...lol My baby is growing up so fast.

Speaking of babies...I am 32.5 weeks now. Time is flying! Brynn is doing well. She is so so active! I am thinking she is still breech right now because all the stron gkicks are down low. I was pretty sad yesterday. I had my OB appointment with a different Doc. She didn't really look at my records and said I needed a non stress test. I said I didn't think so...everything has been completely normal. She didn't read my records and didn't see that Aiden had passes away at 15 weeks. She apologized but it still stung. Just reminded me of what would be going on right now if I still had him alive and kicking inside of me. Will this pain ever go away?

Hectic Life

2005-08-17T10:17:00.000-04:00

I don't have much time to post even right now. I have to take Liam to the Doctor today because we are on day 8 or 9 of the runs. Poor little man has bleeding sores on his behind. We have been trying everything but nothing seems to be working. Even the Doc said it seems we are doing everything right so he wants to see him.

Emilee is doing well. She is excited to start school soon. I still can't belive she is ready for Kndergarden already.

My B-day was over the weekend. Very lowkey as I did not want to celebrate turning 29...lol.

Jim and I have been working late everynight on the new webpage for the Watershed Association. It has turned out nice I think. A lot more work then I thought it would be though.

Ok, have to run and get ready!

Having a hard time lately

2005-08-04T15:49:00.000-04:00

I have had Aiden on my mind a lot lately. I was thinking the other day how would I ever be able to celebrate Jim's birthday the same again. Will I ever be able to have that day be just a day of celebration again? I don't think I will. I feel so bad. May 10th will always now be a day of such mixed emotions.
I also wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy Brynn's birthday the way I should. Knowing that it should be Aiden's Birthday too. I feel so guilty for these thoughts.
As the day gets closer and closer that Brynn will be with us I struggle more and more with my feelings. No one else really knows this. I haven't even really brought it up with Jim. I have just been keeping it all inside.
I keep thinking back to that day. How much I needed Jim with me. How much I resented that he couldn't leave work. Even a co worker told him they would have never been able to stay if that had happened to them. I know he was upset and still hurts for Aiden but he doens't show it......ever. I guess sometimes that hurts me. I know he is a positive person, a put things behing you person but....it can just hurt sometimes.
No one else really brings up Aiden. I feel alone in my feelings really. Hell, besides Jim and Stacy I feel alone in this pregnacy. My families lack of attention/support is worse then any of my pregnancies before. You would think they ahve forgotten. So be it I guess. It stil hurts though.

Wayyyy to long

2005-07-25T14:58:00.000-04:00

Things have been so crazy around here I havne't posted here in a month.
We had Em's birthday
I had an appointment....next one is on Monday.
Brynn has been going nuts in there!
The attic has had a lot of progression
ect....

I am so excited for Brynn to get here. I still have a ways to go though. If things go as predicted then about 11 weeks left. Watch she will be my first to go late...lol

It's a.....

2005-06-24T21:16:00.000-04:00

GIRL!!!!!

Miss Emilee is so incredibly excited. The u/s went so well. Our little girl was moving around so much that the tech had trouble getting what she needed at times. Everything is growing right on track. Our new princess is weighing in around 14 oz now. What a wonderful way to start the morning!

Pretty nervous about tomorrow

2005-06-23T09:47:00.000-04:00

I wish it was Friday morning already. I know, I know...I have less then a day now. It is just driving me nuts. After that last u/s I have major anxiety before my appointments. I am reassured by all the kicking and movement I have been feeling but I am still so scared.

I am pretty down today. Just can't shake the depressed feeling. No clue why of course.

A bit sad all of a suddon

2005-06-20T15:55:00.000-04:00

I just remade my sig for one of my boards. I put in a ticker countdown for my u/s on Friday. I just got sad all of a suddon thinking how Friday may be a very mixed emotion day. Will we still be able to see Baby A? I remember trying to think what we were havving...2 boys? 2 girls? 1 of each? I am doing my best lately to try and enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can. It is times like this that bring me right back down. Crap...crying again.

I have the best Hubby

2005-06-20T11:17:00.000-04:00

In the whole world. He was supposed to be going over to a friend's house tonight. I happened to e-mail him this morning just to wish him a good day and tell him we missed him. His responce?.......
"I miss you guys too baby. I love you with all my heart. I an kind of glad I am not going to Georges tonight so I get to spend more time with you."

(sigh)
Hard to imagine after 9 years together 8 married that he can still make my heart skip and give me butterflies.

Father's day was a good one. Jim loved his new T-shirt. I made him breakfast in bed too. He is such an amazing Daddy. I am so proud to call him my husband and for him to be the father of my children.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

2005-06-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

I feel like screaming every day now before 10 am! Liam is a complete NUT! He is climbing everyting he can. Yesterday he was upset that I wouldn't pick him up while I was making dinner. What does my almost 15 month old do? Get my chair and move it over to the counter and climb up so he can touch things. After I stopped that he went over to Jim's chair and pulled that out. He climbed up on that then proceeded to climb on the kitchen table! Oh if you could have seen the look of pure pride on his face. It was all I could do not to laugh at him.
I had to take the coffee table out of the living room. He was climbing on that to get into the window that goes between the kitchen and living room. Not just reaching stuff in there but climbing all the way in and sitting in there! I can barely make dinner every day because I am having to "rescue" the child from his adventures! Jim understand now why I can never clean the house anymore. I let him wrangle the Nut before he left for work yesterday. After 20 minutes Jim was ready to scream too! I told him...."Welcome to my whole day!"

The Nut is napping right now. After he wakes up my Mom is going to help me get Jim's Fathers Day t-shirt done. This will be oh so interesting with The Nut involved. I have to remmber to change out of my good maternity shirt...lol

Happy!

2005-06-14T15:39:00.000-04:00

My baby will be home in less then an hour and a half. He decided not to go with his boss to Atlantic City so he is done normal work time!! If he would have gone he wouldn't have made it home till like 2 in the morning!
(notice happy dnace being done here!)

I know, I know....you are probably rolling your eyes at me. So what?!?! I love my husband and I miss him every second we are apart. Is that wrong? I sure as hell hope not! We have an amazing marrige and I am proud of it!

Sad

2005-06-13T10:51:00.000-04:00

I dropped Jim off at work this morning. I won't see him until LATE tuesday night/early Wed. morning. He has a confrence for work in Maryland. Call me emotionally dependent or whatever but man I miss him already. We aren't apart much. Lard help me if he ever has to start traveling for work.

So here I am....2 days with the kids. UGH!!...lol I love them to death but I really look forward to when Jim gets home at night. Just a bit of relief.

I have been feeling some small kicks more and more over the weekend. FINALLY!

Not much else going on for now!

I hate hot weather!

2005-06-08T13:55:00.000-04:00

Uck! Never a slow warm up around here. You go from temps in the 60's to the 90's the next day. Add the humidity and I don't want to step foot outside at all. I seem to get an instant headache with the humidity.

I am doing a bit better today. Trying to stay positive. I have my u/s scheduled for the end of the month. It can't get here soon enough really. I am nervous about it but excited too. I am nervous of 2 things. 1 being that this baby will be ok. 2...well....nervous to see our precious Baby A. I know there is a chance A will still be there. I am afraid of my reaction. Jim will be with me so I knwo I will have the support I need. I just want it over with. Maybe then I can relax just a little bit and enjoy this pregnancy some.

Emilee and Liam are doing well. Testing both Jim and I everyday but it is worth every second. Yes, there are days I don't want to be a Mom but I love those 2 to death.

Ok, time to go play Candyland!

Long day yesterday...

2005-06-07T09:49:00.000-04:00

I still feel emotionally wiped out. I cried on and off all day. Jim was talking to me about htings on the way to the office but I don't think I really heard him.

The good news is that we have a heartbeat finally. IT took him awhile again to find it but it was there. I was crying the whole time he was searching. It just brought back every emotion from last month. The whole thing is bittersweet though. I am glad there is a heartbeat but so sad at the same time. Sad that there isn't 2 like there should be. No one seems to understand why I wans't jumping for joy yesterday. Oh yeah I forgot.....I should be grateful to still have 1 healthy baby still growing inside of me.

I told Jim that this has been harder then either of my m/c's. At least then I was allowed to grieve. Allowed to take my time and mourn the babies I had lost. I still feel so detatched from this baby. I am still waiting for the worst I guess.

Jim told me to go ahead and get a few Maternity tops this morning. I told him no, not yet. I just keep putting it off. Maybe after the u/s in a week or so. I just don't know. At what point/milestone in this pregnancy will I feel "ok" enough to plan things. I have people asking me about names but I have stopped thinking about it. Probably after the u/s again...this way we might know the sex. Maybe then I will feel more attatched to this baby.

I just don't know.

Today is the day...

2005-06-06T12:16:00.000-04:00

The day I have been dreading for a month now. It is hard to belive it has been 4 weeks since this hell started. I remember every second of that visit.

It is a little after 12pm now. 3 hours to go. I am a nervous wreck. I have had so many people tell me to relax...everything will be fine. You don't know how much I want to scream at them. I know they mean well, I just can't be positive right now. Even if we hear a heartbeat today I still don't think I will shake this feeling of doom.

I am so distracted. I can't even sit here and write what I need to get out. i just can't put the words together right. I will write later tonight.

Feeling pretty down today

2005-06-02T09:56:00.000-04:00

I can't seem to shake it really. I feel like life is closing in on me. The closer I get to Monday the worse it gets. I have been stressed and very down the past days. I don't talk about it with anyone really. Why? Why talk about it? It is depressing and heartbreaking to even think about.

I did talk to one very special person. She had lost her Daughters Twin and last a set of twins last year. I knew she would understand these feelings. I told her that I don't think the baby is ok because I have felt no movememt at all. She said it is either my mind trying to prepare me for the worst of my gut instint that could be right.
Please don't let me be right. Let this all be my mind playing tricks on me. If not, I honestly don't know if I will be able to come back from all this. I know I will need to see someone. I probably should be seeing someone now. I am so messed up inside, to many feelings to let out to the people around me. Honestly....I just want to scream and cry. (which I am starting to do now) I just feel hopeless, waiting for the next thing to happen. When it does I feel the pieces will be to small to be put back together again.

1 week away..

2005-05-30T19:42:00.000-04:00

1 week till my next appointment. In all honesty....I am preparing myself. I don't think the baby is ok. I have not felt any movement. I have even warned Jim about this. I am pretty numb really. I think it is easier to stay in this attitude, this way if things are ok then I can be happy. Going into that appointment next week will be pure hell. Jim knows I am going to be a wreck the whole time. Mom is watching the kids. I felt it would be better if they weren't there, just in case.
I am pretty down tonight...not really much else to say.

STRESS!!!!!!!

2005-05-24T15:23:00.000-04:00

Well I guess the past 2 weeks has gotten to me. Between "A" passing away, the van troubles and a very much out of control 4.5 year old....well, I spent the afternoon in the ER yesterday.

All day Sunday I was having chest pain through to my back on and off. I just blamed it on bad heartburn or soemthing. Monday morning it was worse. i called the Doc and they said to go to the ER. Turns out I have what is called Chest Wall pain. It does not invlove the heart or lungs and it is caused by stress. It is inflamation of the muscles and cartlidge in the chest. It can be extremely painful but not serious.

Well after Jim got hom from work later on I started having the attacks again. Really bad this time. It also was just in my back this time. The pain would take my breath away. Thank god this happened when Jim was home. He was able to help by rubbing and putting pressure where needed. After all that I am thinking it was muscle spasms. I have had them before and they sent me to the ER. SO you know the pain has to be bed. I havne't had an attack since about 9 last night.

I have been getting more nervous about my appointment coming up on June 6th. I am so scared something has happened to our other baby. I have been thinking of seeing someone to help with all my emotions. I just have to figure out how to work it in to the schedule around here. I hate to have to ask my Mom to watch the kids anymore then she already does. I just don't know.

Guilt

2005-05-18T15:36:00.000-04:00

Why do I feel so guilty for my last entry? Why do I have a huge weight of guilt over taking down my 8 week u/s pics this morning? Why do I feel so much guilt for feeling a bit like I am moving on?

This day started off better...now it just sucks.

Doing a bit better I guess

2005-05-18T09:40:00.000-04:00

I can't really explain it. I am still incredibly sad but since last night I have been able to touch and feel my baby belly a bit. I was shocked when I was feeling last night how much I have grown in just the past week. I have been thinking more about my healthy baby too. As I was sitting here checking a few things online I felt a good kick. It made me happy and sad at the same time.
I think I may be ready to take down the 8 week u/s pictures. I was looking at them again this morning and I just felt it was time. I will put "B's" most recent picture up now. I will defiantly be doing a special scrapbooking page for those pictures and the 12 week pictures.

Must go...Liam is crying in his crib.

Having a hard time today

2005-05-16T14:18:00.000-04:00

I haven't cried yet today but I am having a really down day. I guess I am kind of numb. Too much crying will do that to you, I guess. Those 2 poems I found yesterday were so perfect. I still get really angry at God sometimes. I will never understnad fully why he gives us such precious gifts to only take them back so soon. After I lost Ashling I wnet through almost 2 years of hating God...not believing. I am still not very religous but I know God is there for me. I may not understnad his reasoning for things but I still have faith. I just have to have faith now that I will get through this. That time will heal this hurt. That some day I will meet "A" and my other 2 angels.

Poems...

2005-05-15T20:41:00.000-04:00

My precious little baby, Your face I've never seen,

Your skin I've never touched before, Nor held you close to me.

You lived inside my body, But only for a while;

Till Jesus softly whispered, "Come home my little child."

You must have been a special child; If God needed you up there,

Because Heaven is a better home, It's beauty can't compare.

So till I get to Heaven, And see you r shining face;

Jesus will take care of you, And love you in my place.

Yes, Jesus loves his little lambs, They sit around his throne;

So sit on Jesus' lap dear child- Till Mommy gets called home.

What Makes a Mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say.

"A Mother has a baby" This we know is true "

But God can you be a Mother, when your baby is not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied with confidence in his voice

"I give many women babies,

when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day.

And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child's smile,

with all the other children and say…

"We go to Earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day.

When she goes to sleep,

on her pillow's were I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.

‘Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in My home,

and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

until your lesson's through.

and on the day that you come home they'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,

it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start

Though some on Earth may not realise,

you are a Mother until their time is done.

they'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"

End of the weekend

2005-05-15T19:23:00.000-04:00

It is hard to belive tomorrow will be a week since my nightmare started. I am scared to death of future appointments with my OB. Scared to death that he won't find a heartbeat again with the doppler. I have asked Jim if he could please take half a day for my next appointment. I don't know if I can go alone or not. I know I will be a nervous wreck. I also know I will be crying my eyes out the moment the Doc walks in till after he walks out. I get sick to my stomach thinking about June 6th....my next appointment.

Jim has been amazing the past few days. I am so glad he read my blog to try to understand me a bit better. I have had quite a few breakdowns the past days. Yesterday Em was dancing around the living room while I was laying on the floor. She fell and landed close to my belly. I told her to be careful of the baby. As soon as I said it I started crying. The baby...not babies. That was the first time I had said it.
Another thing made me cry was when Jim was being so sweet and was going to rub my belly...I was cramping a bit. I just kept saying no. He said he just wanted to help. I finally told him I can't take anyone touching my belly right now....I can't even do it. He just held me again and let me cry. I just can't seem to stop.

I love my husband

2005-05-13T16:14:00.000-04:00

(I know you will read this Jim...don't let it go to your head to much)

I had been keeping all my feelings inside the past days. Even from Jim. I love him to death but we are complete opposite in regards to outlooks on life. He is very positve...glass is always half full. I am a pretty negative person...half empty. He wanted me to focus on our healthy baby. I understand he wants me to be happy but for now I can't be.

We had a bad fight last night over it. I guess for me I was like a balloon that had been blown-up to much. I popped and it all came out. It felt good to scream and cry but I knew I was hurting him with it all. I feel horrible for some of the things I said but I had to let it out.

Jim explained that he hates to see me like this and wanted to try and help me feel better. He just didn't reliaze that he was making me feel worse.

I sent him the link to this blog and a few links to a wonderful site that made me realize that I am not alone in all of these feelings. When we talked later I culd hear a change in his voice. I knew my words I had written got to him a bit. He understands a bit better now. He even told me as soon as I told him the other day something was wrong that he had thought of possibly another baby someday. I am not sure yet. I want to wait and see how we both feel once the pregnancy is over.

I love him so much. I am so grateful that he took the time to read my thoughts to try and understand better. He hasn't gotten to read the links from the site yet but has said he will. It showed me how much he cares. My way of grieving has never made much sense to him but he wanted to try and understand. We have been married over 8 years now and we have a better marrige then ever. We have our moments but he is the Love of my life and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

I love you Jim....thank you

Putting on a show

2005-05-12T10:39:00.000-04:00

That is what I feel I am doing. I keep hearing from some that I need to be grateful for 1 healthy baby. I knew I was going to end up hearing that. Fine I will put on my show for you and pretend I am not grieving. I have to do it everyday anyway for the kids....why not other people. I say I have to do it for the kids because if it wasn't for them I would just stay in bed. I honestly don't even want to get up with them in the morning right now. I know they have to be cared for so I just do it. I am not a good Mom right now. I have no patience and no temperment. This isn't good for me, the baby, Jim, Emilee or Liam.
I have been thinking today about how things will feel once the baby arrives. Will I feel complete? I was so excited to become a Mom of 4. Now that won't happen. I know Jim won't consider another pregnancy. I don't blame him. Hell, right now I am blaming my own body for taking that away.
I just feel empty and alone. I have friends and family that are there for me but it is like no one can understand what I feel inside. I can't even understand what I feel inside. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel no excitement for this baby to be born. That is so horrible to say but it is how i feel inside. I think it is because I am afraid to feel anything for it. Afriad of more hurt. I used to lay in bed at night and poke at my belly. Now...I don't want to touch it. All I can think of when I do is my dead baby inside of me. See, I can't say this to anyone. I know some are reading this but I can't say this stuff outloud. It will make me even worse of a person then I already am for feeling this way. I don't even want to talk about the pregnancy anymore. O go to visit my birht board and I just close it. I don't want to read about all the wonderful pregnancies happening right now. I want my wonderful pregnancy back...with BOTH my babies.

I just want to go back 3 weeks

2005-05-11T09:48:00.000-04:00

Can I please just go back 3 weeks in time. 3 weeks was my 12 week u/s. I want to go back and watch my 2 litte babies bouncing around in there..kicking and waving. I just want a video of that u/s to always remember how active they BOTH were. What could have happened?!?! DId I do something? Did I not do something. Everyone always tells you...don't blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT?? No one knows what has happened, no one can. So, it could have been something I did or didn't do.
I am scared of how I will continue to feel throughout this pregnancy. Scared of how I will feel once this baby arrives. Will I ever be able to look at "B" without thinking of "A"? Scared of ever feeling resentment that "B" is here and "A" isn't. How horrible is that of me? At least I am admitting it though. Will I ever be able to feel "B" kick and not cry, wishing I could feel "A" too?
I started crying this morning again. I went to get Liam a pancake out of the freezer and there was my 8 week u/s pictures. Seperate ones for "A" and "B" and the one of them together. I know I am going to have to take them down but I don't want to yet. It will make it real then. I don't want this to be real. I can't even look at the pic of "B" from yesterday. It is a great pic but I just can't look at it anymore. There are 2 pics and I want one of them to be "A" too.
Can't see the screen anymore.

My head is killing me

2005-05-10T21:22:00.000-04:00

Crying all day will do that to you. Tylenol hasn't even touched it.

I keep thinking about what the u/s doc said today. "You will continue like a normal pregnancy" THIS IS NOT A NORMAL PREGNANCY! IT NEVER WILL BE! I have others say I will always be a Twin Mommy. Yeah, but I nver get to experience it for real. I will forever wonder what Baby B's life will be like if Baby A had survived. I will never get to experience holding, nursing, rocking my 2 babies together. I will never get to watch them play together.

I told Jim that at least with my first 2 losses I actually lost the baby. I still have this baby with me....just not alive. I never got to see my first 2 moving around so well. That is killing me....remembering A moving around so much, knowing now A died shortly after that.

I will most likely pick out a name for A.....makes things easier for me.

I want my baby back.

What a horrible day

2005-05-10T15:47:00.000-04:00

I can't stop the tears. I have tried and tried but they keep coming back. How in the hell am I supposed to feel right now? I am angry and horribly sad. Yet I feel guilty for being glad Baby B is doing so well. Baby A is there just not with us anymore. God it broke my heart when they scanned over A when I realized why they were just jumping over it. I realized it when I saw the huge size difference. My 3rd Angel in heavan. Why me? After my 12 week u/s we were so excited to see both babies so active and jumping around. We were finally REALLY excited about having Twins. Before that u/s we were a bit aprehensive(sp?). SO the past few weeks since have been so happy, so exciting to have 2 bundles coming in a few months.
Now here I sit pregnant with 2 babies...1 healthy and the other passed on. They call it vanishing Twin syndrome. I hate that term. I don't want to think of 1 of my precious babies just vanishing from inside me. I saw my little baby in there today. he/she has not vanished. It was like seeing a little minature baby just cuddled up in there asleep.
How am I supposed to feel right now? I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I just want to curl up in a ball and disapeer myself. This can't be happening to me agian.
I know I will get people pissed off that I am not just being grateful to have at least 1 helathy. I am....but I need to grieve for my baby that has passed just like anyone else would.
Some wonderful women on my Twin message board brought tears to my eyes. They all kept telling me I will forever be a Twin Mommy. I love that they have said that but I think that hurts worse then anything. I know I will be but I will never get to really be.
Ok can't see the screen anymore.

Names...

2005-05-06T14:26:00.000-04:00

Why am I finding it so hard this time around to pick out possible names for these babies?!?! Emilee I knew before I was pg. Liam...as soon as I read/heard the name I knew that was it. With these 2 though....arghhhh!!!
Girl names....
Brynn
Brenna

Brynn has been my pick since pg with Liam. Jim tells me las tnight though...if it is a girl and a boy he would prefer Brenna.

Boy names....
Sean/Shawn
Seamus/Shamus
Rory

I have not even given middle names a thought at all yet. I need to get past the first name before even attempting them. Oh I just want to know what these 2 munchkins are to make this easier!!

Less stress

2005-05-05T13:18:00.000-04:00

I can't even put into words how much less stressful things are when your child will go to sleep on his own. About 2 months ago we were able to start putting Liam down at night time without him having to be asleep first. He will play for a bit then just pass out...all on his own.

Well now the stress is even less. He is going down for naps now....wide awake...falling asleep on his own. I ask him if he is ready for ni-nights and he comes over to me. He blows kisses the whole way upstairs. Then all I do is give him a big hug and kiss then lay him down. Sometimes he will fuss a bit. That is where there is REAL progress. I will go in and give him a hug and he will lay back down on his own then. I am so proud of my little man. He also has cut down his nursing. He long times to nurse is at bed and first thing in the morning. He will occasionally ask for it during the day and I will give it to him. Other times I ask him where his drink is and he goes to get it. I am not ready to completly give up nursing and I don't think he is either. I know my supply is pretty low now that I have hit the 2nd trimester. I can tell because it starts to hurt a bit when he keeps going. I don't mind though, I know it is his comfort.

I am pretty nervous about how things will go with him once the Twins are here. He is a needy little boy. We have noticed he is no where near advanced as Em was at this age. She was understanding so much by now. I don't have a problem with this at all. I know they all develope at thier own pace. I just know he doesn't seem to understand quite as much at this age. I worry about him possibly hurting the babies. I know we will have to be extra careful when these munchkins arrive.

Craving satisfied

2005-05-04T13:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, my chili craving is satisfied. I amde a triple batch yesterday...LOLOL I froze quite a bit, that way if this craving comes back I can have it right away. I must say that craving chili is a first for me. I am normally stricly a fruit craving girl. Oh I still crave my fruit. Last week I ate a large 1/4 of a watermelon in less then a day...lol Oh and the fridge is loaded with strawberries.

I got on the scale this morning. I am down 6 lbs since the start of the pregnancy. That is normal for me though. Morning sickness has come back some. My stomach gets upset throughout the day for no reason. That is defiantly different for me. Oh one funny thing. Jim and I were laying in bed last night and he went to rub my belly. As soon as he started he was like "WHOA". He was suprised at how hard and how much larger my belly has gotten this past week. Heck it has shocked me! No more button down pants for me....it gets painful if I do wear them.

Ok, have to get Em ready for school!

Ugh...

2005-05-03T11:54:00.000-04:00

Ok, I love being pg and I am trying to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy since it will be our last but.....
I hate being this tired!!!! This is always a big problem for me while pg. I sleep at night and wake up exhasted still. It is 9am and I am ready to pass out. Liam just went down for a nap but I have to shower and get a few things done while he is asleep. If it wasn't for that I would be laying down too. Oh and forget that 2nd trimester bust of energy....it never happens for me.

Funny craving this morning....lol
Grits and eggs.....done my Dad's way. Grits, eggs and tomatos...all mixed together with toast. MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMmmmmmm good. I figure I got starch, protien, vegie, and fruit with my OJ. Balanced I would say right?

Tonight for dinner is my other craving....Chili! Made with ground turkey of course...NO RED MEAT OR I WILL PUKE! I have to stop at the store and get 1 ing. I don't have. While there I might pick up extras to make a double batch and freeze the rest. Makes sense.

Ok, off to shower and get Em set up with one of her Polly Pockets.

14 weeks along already!

2005-05-02T13:22:00.000-04:00

Where is the time going. I cna't belive it has been almost a month now since I updated here. I never seem to find the time or even the words to put here. Things have been hectic as hell to say the least. If it's not one thing it's another going on around here. It gets so stressful sometimes. We are doing everyting we can to get Em's new room going. Trying to keep the house somewhat clean. Trying to keep up with the laundry. Trying to keep up with Liam...my destructo boy!

Phew!

The twins seem to be doing well. Our last u/s was a huge relief for me. It was so amazing to seem them moving around in there. Waving their little arms and legs. My next appointment is next Monday already. I am excited to schedule my next u/s....hoping to find out what these little ones are! We are still hoping for a boy and a girl but we will be happy with whatever we have!

Some sad news to report....we had to put our kitty, Nala, down last week. Poor thing couldn't eat anymore. She was 10 years old and was an amazing little girl. I think Liam misses her the most. He loved how she would let him cuddle on her. It feels weird not having a cat in our house. This is the first time in almost 10 years we are without a single cat!

Em has been doing ok. Her and I both just got over a nasty stomach bug 2 weeks ago. I dropped like 10 lbs in 3 days. YUCK! I am a bit worried because she puked again last night. I think it is another stomach bug because friends we were with on Sat. were throwing up last night too. Sigh....I hope I don't get this one too. It is bad enough having to clena up puke while pg...especially when your morning sickness has returned...YUCK!!
She has had to great filed trips the past 2 week siwth school. This past week they went to a local Elementary school to visit the kindergarten class. She had so much fun. She is really excited to go this year. Her screening is next Tuesday. I am anxious about how she will do. She is a smart girl!

Ok.....while Liam is down for a nap I am going for 1 too! Hopefully I will find the time to update more.

Long time no update

2005-04-08T12:55:00.000-04:00

THings have been sooooooo hectic around here lately. I have not been feeling well at all. I am drained. The bleeding stopped after a day but since I have still had occasional brown spotting. I go for my next appointment in Monday and I am nervous as hell.

I threw my back out last weekend during Liam's party. I have been to the chiropractor and it has been helping alot. I go back again tonight. I think I will continue to see him once a month during the pregnancy to help things.

I have had alot on my mind the past days, to much to even start to write. I probably won't update this weekend at all but I will try after Monday's appointment.

Scared

2005-03-28T23:50:00.000-05:00

I am a bit scared. I went to the bathroom around 5:30 and there was a bunch of bright red blood. It seems to have slowed. The Doc said if I was soaking a pad and in a lot of pain to go to the ER. He said I could call tomorow and schedule another U/S. I am not sure. I think i know what caused it. Earlier today I was throwing Liam up and down in the air..bending over and back up a lot. That is the only thing remotly strenous I did..lol. I think I will hold out and see how things go. I will just take it a bit more easy tonight and tomorrow.

I can't belive tomorrow is Liam's Birthday. 1 year old already!

Sinking in.....

2005-03-28T14:15:00.000-05:00

Well it is Monday. I have had 3 days for this news to really sink in. It has in some ways. I have bene doing alot of reading about Twins. I have been to s a few message boards for tiwns too.

WOW

My next appointment is on April 11th. I am anxious about it. I have asked Jim to make sure he can leave work for it. I feel we both need to be there since this is the appointment we will get the most info at since we jsut found out. I am thinking of asking Mom to watch both kids for me so we can give the Doc our full attention.

WOW

WOW!

2005-03-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

Well, my u/s got postponed on Monday till today.

I am still sitting here in shock, still shaking.
It is TWINS!!!!!!!!
I will admit I am scared to death right now. Scared of so many things.
Scared of the usual stuff such as prematurity, c-section...ect.
Scared of being able to handle this. I hate saying this because I wanted this pregnancy so bad...just wasn't sure now was the best time.
Well, it is now ir never I guess. god doens't give you more then you can handle right?(I have always hated that saying...LOL)

Jim took it well. Much better then me and much better then I expected he would ever take this kind of news.

This is how the appointment went. Now that I have calmed down a bit I remembered more about it.

I saw the little beating heart right away! (AHHHHHH)
U/s Tech: Did you take fertility drugs?
Me: Not this time but with my son
Tech: Does twins run in your family?
Me(Panicked voice) Yes, my sis has twin boys!
Tech: Well there are 2 in there!
Me: OMG...Jim did you ehar that?
Jim: You got your 4!!(he only wanted 3...I was pushing for 4)
Me: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Yeah, I really havne't stopped saying OMG and Holy shit since I got home.

I cna't belive this is happening! After all the trouble we went through to get pg with Em and Liam here I sit pg after the secnd month with TWINS!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is what we will use to tell everyone tomorrow...I will put it in Easter Eggs.
http://home.comcast.net/~jgrob3/twins.jpg

Ultrasound Tomorrow

2005-03-20T23:19:00.000-05:00

Well, the appointment went well. Nothing much really. He did my Pap then felt my Uterus. He said I felt around 7 weeks so that was good. He gave me a script for the u/s which I think was more for my piece of mind then anything.
So tomorrow is the u/s. i am scared to be honest. I had a bit of spotting today. I know it is probably from sex but I can't shake the bad feeling after seeing it. I think after 2 miscarrieges that feeling never goes away till the baby is in my arms.

This week was so hectic. Any spare time I do have I end up laying down because I am so tired....hence the no updates..lol

We went shopping for Liam's birthday presents today. It is so hard to belive he will be a year next Tuesday. How did this year go by so fast? It makes me all sappy and teary.

Appointment Day

2005-03-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

I am pretty nervous going into this appointment today. I know it is still early as I am only 7 weeks along(Docs office likes to get you in between 6-8 weeks). I know he may not be able to hear the ehartbeat yet. When you are laying there and they are trying for it, your heart seems to stop. Waiting to hear that special sound. If you don't hear it then the wait till you finally do is agony. I wish Jim was going with me today. His new position makes it a bit harder to get out of work for appointments. Mom is watching the kids for me. I am just telling her it is for my yearly since it is around that time anyway. I will be able to bring the kids with me on the other appointments but I am not confortable bringing them this time for an internal.

Man I am sick to my stomach I am so nervous right now. I haven't had anything to eat yet because of it.

Oh I noticed this weekend some of my clothes are getting a bit unconfortable already. I also am finding I hate having anything remotely fitting on my stomach. It just feels really unconfortable. Already this pregnancy is so different then the others.

Ok, have to get ready to go.

Grateful in that odd way...

2005-03-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Yep I am grateful in that odd way you can while puking your guts out. Morning sickness has kicked in. Ok, all day with the majority being evening sickness. You know what I ate today and kept down? Carrots, thats it.

All I did today was barely take care of the kids and puke.

Well, the more symptoms the better. I am just so not used to this.

Relaxing weekend....ahhhhhh

2005-03-07T13:28:00.000-05:00

We did pretty much nothing all weekend. Jim had high hopes for getting thing done but I overrulled him..LOL. I figured since we just got back from vacation last weekend we should use this weekend to just veg. We did go out to dinner Sat. night. It was ok...nothing spectacular. Oh and yesterday we did run to Home Depot to price some things out for the Em's new room.
Sat. night we also had a very, very nice time before bed(wink wink).

The only downer was morning sickness has hit....in the evening. It was so bad last night I made myself throw-up to feel better. Remind me to never have buttered noodles again. BLECK!!

So, today it is off to Kindergarten registration. We are still so up in the air about sending her or not we want to cover all our bases. Becky will be spending time with Em and I will take Liam. I hope it goes smoothly even though I don't have her vaxcination records right now.

Off to shower and get ready.

Feeling good today!

2005-03-04T13:21:00.000-05:00

Today is a good day. I know I haven't had one of these in awhile...lol Seriously I am not always a depressed person.

Is it Sat Dinner time yet?

Stressed doens't quite cover it...

2005-03-03T12:48:00.000-05:00

Life just keeps getting more and more stressful. We had a huge tax return yet we are struggling to get it together to redo Em's room. The Disney trip wasn't the cause. It was an old bill that popped up and the car trouble while away. I honestly don't know how we are going to do this. I know we will somehow but in the meantime I can't do anything but stress over it all. This is not good for the baby. This is not good for my other children also. Hell, it is not good for my marrige.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In good news....
I am feeling pretty well. No morning sickness really. I didn't expect it though. WIth Em and Liam I never really got it either. Just a little queziness no and then. My main problem is the exhastion. Whenever I am pregnant I can barely get anything done. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. This is a good sign though! It means things are progressing like they should...I hope.

Mom and Dad are going to keep the kids Sat. evening so Jim and I can go out to dinner. We both need it. We need a bit of time for ourselves. Our anniversary dinner wasn't the best so hopefully this night out will be better.

Speaking of Mom.....I am wondering if she suspects something. I did accidently leave the box from the pregnancy test in the bathroom trash when we went away. I know she was up here to get the dog's toys and such. This morning she called and she commented on how tired I sounded. I told her I didn't sleep well because Liam was wkaing alot last night. She seemed ok with that but commented again that I sounded REALLY tired. Well, if she suspects then so be it. They won't officially know until Mothers day. Another 10 weeks. I will probably stress the whole 10 weeks over telling them but that is just me. I am hoping since it will be Mother's day she won't try and ruin it. (sigh)

Ok, time for a shower and to get Em ready for preschool.

A better evening...

2005-03-02T00:42:00.000-05:00

Jim and I had a long talk. He knows just how bad he hurt me and regrets it so much. He said as soon as he said it he knew he screwed up. I love that man but he just doesn't think before he speaks alot.

We have so much to get done before this little munchkin arrives. Soooooo, sooooo much.

Just not a good day...

2005-03-01T17:52:00.000-05:00

I need someone to talk to so bad but I don't know who. It is times like this that I miss some of my fellow Moms from my old board. I could never go back to that place though. There are so many things going on in my head right now and i can't straighten any of them out.

I feel like a horrible Mother.
I worry about how I am going to handle another little one.
I am still upset at Jim.
I hate not being able to tell family because of impending rude and mean comments.
I worry that I will lose this little one. Everytime I go into the bathroom I dread "looking"
I worry we won't be able to complete Em's new room before the baby arrives.
I worry about Liam weaning early due to the pregnancy.
I worry about Liam not getting what he needs with another one coming.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! SO much more but I can't put it into words. Life is a struggle right now to get through daily. There are thoughts which I can't and WON'T list here. Thoughts no one would ever understand. Some days I wonder why I am here.

Hurt

2005-03-01T11:08:00.000-05:00

I am so hurt right now. I have forgiven Jim but the pain is still there. I love him with all my heart but since last night I don't like him very much. What he said to me cut so deep. He has sincerly apologized and I have accepted but I can't let it go. I didn't even want him to touch me this morning.

I was trying to talk to him about my concerns with the new baby coming. I want this baby more then I can say but I have worries and doubts about my ability with Liam and munchkin being so close in age. We will work it out but I just needed to talk about it. As soon as I started to talk about it he says......"Well if you are having doubts now is the time to do something about it. It is better to get it done early"

I was in shock he would even think of saying something like that. That never entered my brain for a second! If he knew me like I thought he did he would have never even thought to say something like that. I still can't belive it. It hrt so much. I have been crying on and off since last night. I even went to bed at 7:30 because I didn't want to spend time with him.

Now see the problem with this is that he will take what I am saying and turn it around like I don't love him anymore and I want a divorce. He doesn't understand how you can forgive someone and still be upset. You are not allowed to be still angry after he apologizes.

Now I also feel like I can't talk to him about my worries about this baby. I feel alone. I have never, in our 8 years of marrige, ever felt like this.

So glad to be home....

2005-02-28T13:21:00.000-05:00

Well, we arrieved home around 2:30am Sunday. It was a long and horrible trip home. We had a 4 hour and $700 delay in Savannah due to car trouble. OUCH! Overall the Disney trip was good. It had its' ups and downs though. Jim and I have both agreed we won't be going back until all kids are out of strollers...lol It was rough trying to get on and off the busses. Everynight I passed out by 9pm...sometimes earlier! Emilee had a blast and we have officially named her "The Ride Freak". She even went on Tower of Terror. Granted she was in shock for a few hours after it but she at least went on.

In other news.....Yep, I am defiantly pregnant. I am still having trouble beliveing it. With all the trouble we went through to get pg with Em and Liam who would have ever thought it would happen so easily this time. I know it happened easily with my 2 m/c pregnancies(which I am still very nervous about). I just have a good feeling about this one...this one is going to stick.
I am pretty darn nervous too about having another while Liam is still so young. I know we will be fine but the nervousness is still there...wondering how I will manage.
Speaking of which...I need to get some info/a book on nursing while pg and tandem nursing. My family will think I am nuts but I know it is what is right for my children. Part of me worries about Liam loosing interest as my milk changes though. I hope it can work out so I will be able to continue to nurse him and the new babe.

Oh and speaking of nursing....OUCH! I am pretty sure we are battling Thrush again. WHen he goes to latch on it brings tears to my eyes. I have the Nysatin left over from last time so I am using that but I don't have much of his left. I will have to call the Ped and get one called in.

I have a feeling life is about to get overwhelming around here in the next year. There are going to be alot of adjustments. We ahve to get the attic redone into Em's new room....which would be much easier if we didn't ahve the extra $700 car bill I mentioned before!. The other overwhelming thing is the thought of telling my parents about the baby. They are not going to be happy. Why do I still care about what they think? Jim just says...well it is their problem. I know it is but it still affects me. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, must go straighten this house out while Liam is napping!

Holy Shit

2005-02-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

2 lines

It happened on its' own. I am scared because the only 2 pregnancies I have had that happened on their own ended up being my angels.

Please, please let this little one stick!

Nervous

2005-02-17T22:55:00.000-05:00

I am so nervous right now.
Nervous about having things packed.
Nervous about the longgggg car ride.
Wanna know what I am really nervous about?......
Am I pregnant?!?!

My past 2 cycles have been 26 days. I am day 27 and I havne't even had any spotting. I can't even explain how i would feel if this has actually happened.

'GULP'

Exhasted....

2005-02-16T18:14:00.000-05:00

Oh I am so tired. Last nights lack of sleep has caught up with me. We are back from the trip to the Peds. Seems Mr. Moo has his first ear infection. So he earned himself some antibiotics and some numbing eardrops. I really like this new Doc in the office. Those ear drops were out when Em was a baby but her old doc never prescribed them. She insists on it with ear infections to help the baby feel more confortable. My poor little man......no wonder he didn't sleep well last night. I hope these drops help him to sleep tonight. He was so tired this morning he took a 2.5 hour nap. He just went back down about half an hour ago too. Tired little boy.

Oh and I was surprised to find that Em has lost some weight. According to our scale at home she was like 2-2.5 lbs lighter then her 4 year check-up in July. Well I weighed her today and even the Docs scale says she has lost the weight. Since her appointment we have been much more careful about her sweet intake and such. Looks like it payed off. No, I am not putting her on a diet. She has always been on the heavier side of the charts so I have always worried. Her height it just catching up with her fianlly. You can really tell how much she has changed. Even the nurse said she had shot up and thinned out. I refuse to let my children end up like I am. Someday they will be proud of me after I lose this weight. Someday....

Em has been pretty down about missing school this week. It means she will miss 2 weeks but with this cold I think she needs the time to rest before we leave. I also don't want to chance her catching ANOTHER cold or other kind of bug before we leave...lol

Ok, I must go rest my eyes while Mr. Moo is sleeping and Missy Moo is making cards for people(her fav thing to do anymore).

Later!

Stress, Stress and well...some more Stress!

2005-02-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

2 days till we leave for Disney. Things have not been very good around ehre since I last wrote. I think a day hasn't gone by that Jim and I haven't had at least one fight. I blame it on the stress and the fact that I am probably PMS'ing. IT sucks big time that AF is due the day we leave. I guess a small part of me holds out hope of beging pregnant. Only a small part of me though since I know I O'd on the left side....my blocked side.

All 4 of us are sick. I leave in 20 minutes to take Liam to the Ped's. He was up almost all night coughing. I finally gave in and had Jim go get him at 5. I was going to nurse him then just let him sleep with us. Poor thing was so tired that he fell asleep as soon as Jim layed him next to me. He just needed us I think. He is not himslef at all today and i am a bit worried. Em's cough didn't drop into her lungs but I am nervous his has. We'll see I guess.

We have almost everyting packed. I worked on that yesterday morning while Liam was napping. I hate packing...there is always that feeling that you are forgeting something. It always ends up being something big too!

Oh, our 8th anniversary was on Monday. It was an OK day. Our dinner out didn't turn out the greatest. The food was great as always but the service was lacking this time. I'm sorry but when you go to a place like this and spend $150 for dinner I think I have the right to expect pretty damm good service. When we arrived the power was out so we waited and it came on at 5:30. Our reservations were for 5. We expected some delay but we watched people that sat down 45 minutes after us get thier entree 5 minutes after ours. We were the 2nd table seated and the first table ordered the same amout of courses we did but all of thiers got to their table a HELL of a lot faster then ours. It took over and hour and half till we finally got our entree. I was pissed. We didn't have time to get my fav dessert because of this. This is a pace we go to once..maybe twice a year becuase it is so pricey. Jim was pretty pissed too. We think the girl just didn't put our courses in at the right times. So....Jim left a $9 tip on a $145 bill. Don't bash us.....we are normally VERY good tippers. We would normally leave at least a 25% tip at this resturant.
Then once we got home we discovered Em's fever around 103. She was a handful and so was Liam. So, on our anniversary, we ended up fighting. I hate that.

I love Jim more then I could ever say and nothing will ever change that. We fight just like every other healthy and normal couple out there. So, yes, this entry is a bit down but ya know what?

2 DAYS TILL DISNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 Days

2005-02-08T13:37:00.000-05:00

10 Days till DISNEY!!!!!!!!!! Life is all about the trip right now. Lists galore! Em is so incredibly excited. She asks every morning how many days we have left till vacation. So, this is why I haven't had much time to write in here. I have missed it the past few days. Hell, yesterday I should have made the time to write because it was the day from hell.
Well, today is Em's special day at school. Last minute because Mason's Dad called and Mason has strep so we switched days. Emilee was so excited when she woke up this morning and I told her. We ran tot he store and got Popcorn for the snack and she is bringing in her Disny book of pins for show and tell.

Ok, have to go hop in the shower.

Em's got a boyfriend!

2005-02-01T18:18:00.000-05:00

His name is Craig and he is an older boy....LOL It all started Thrusday at preschool. The setting? Circle time...sitting side by side. Em leans in for a big ole kiss...on the shoulder. Hands are being held. Playtime is just the 2 of them. Then, when is was time to depart each others company....Craig leans in for the goodbye hug. (sigh...preschool romance)
LMAO!!!!!!!!
Yes, my little Em has a boyfriend. She tells me though that he doesn't know that. I just got back from picking her up and I had to write down what the other Moms said...lol I was telling Craig's Mom about what Em had told me about Thrusday and how she had given him a kiss. Well another Mom jumps in. Turns out she was room Mom on Thursday and was witness to the love scandal...LOLOLOL. She said that they were quite the pair, holding hands and attatched at the hip for the day. We were all laughing so hard about it. When leaving the parking lot today I said goodbye future Inlaw to Craig's Mom!...we both laughed pretty hard.
So cute!

Em will be sleeping down at my parents agian tonight. Liam's sleeping has gotten bad again so we have to try it all again. I hate CIO but the lack of sleep has gotten to be to much. I know it probably has something to do with him reaching his walking milestone. Speaking of which...he is amazing us. It has been a week now and he is doing so well. He now goes all the way across the living room without falling. He can even stand up in the middle of the room by himself without having to push up on anything. Strong legs he has, that's for sure!!!!

Emilee has started to read. I was working with her yesterday and she really started to pick some of it up. I know at this point it is mainly memorizing site words...but it is a start.

I am so proud of my munchkins!
17 days till Disney!!!!!

Frustrated

2005-01-28T23:24:00.000-05:00

I never got a chance to write yesterday. Things were just really hectic. Tonight Jim left for a poker tournament at a coworkers house. It will do him alot of good to get out tonight. I just hope he wins!
The kids are in bed without a fuss thankfully. Jim didn't leave until they were in bed so that was less stress for me. Now I sit here all by my lonesome. I figured it was a good time to come here.

I am stressing about our decision about kindergarden for Emilee. Jim and I had pretty much decided to send her this fall. I keep doubting it though because she will be on the younger end with her B-day being in July. Her teachers say she is ready skill wise. They just think she is a bit young. Maybe not confident enough, mature enough. ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I honestly never gave it a second thought before. All the talk on J2K before I left was that 90% of them were sending thier kids. So, I felt fine about the decision. Since I left though I have been hearing more and more about people holding thier kids back. I mean I look at her class. There are some in her class almost a full year older then her. That is just the preschool class.....not their Pre-K class. Her teachers are pushing for us to keep her there for the Pre-K class. I just don't know what to do. It is so frustrating. i want to do the right thing for her but I can't figure out what it is. If I hold her back she will have the advantage of being more mature, knowing her skills better, being more of a leader....ect. I just have trouble knowing she might be the oldest in her class. I look at the fact when she graduates she wil be 18, amost 19. that just seems so old.

I don't know what to do...Jim and I have to decide this weekend though. We have to be able to get a Pre-K slot if we want.

Ok, going to go to bed early.

Love and Family

2005-01-26T13:32:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a day when you felt just right?
A day when you look at your kids and get that warm fuzzy, all is perfect feeling?
A moment when you look at your husband and realize for the millionth time that he is the most perfect person for you on this earth?
A day when you felt your heart would burst with all the love you feel inside?

I love those type of days.

Jim came home from work last night and we had such a wonderful night with the kids. After dinner we all went into the living room and just messed around. Playing with the big purple ball, taking video of Liam walking, play fighting, just having fun. This was one of those nights you wish someone was there to capture the whole night on tape so you could look back once the kids are older.

Man can I get much more sappy today?!?!?! Don't ask why because I have no clue why I am like this today. Maybe because I am just in Love. Maybe because my husband is an amazing man, father, best friend, lover...ect. Maybe because my kids are my life(even though they drive me nuts 9x out of 10..lol) I don't know! I am just happy. Life is just right, right now. We have our problems but we are a happy family. No one is perfect but last night sure felt close.

Nap Time

2005-01-25T12:56:00.000-05:00

Ok, where should I begin. I guess I will just jump into everyday life happenings.

Liam is sleeping. He went down for his morning nap at 8:30! It didn't help he was up at 5:30!!! I am not a morning person at all. At least he is sleeping a bit better then before. I thought I had it bad with Em waking every 1.5-2 hours for the first 4 months. That was nothing compared to this little sleepless wonder! 9 FREAKING MONTHS of every 2 hours just about broke me completely. I absolutley hated resorting to CIO but we didn't know what else to do. I love this little guy so much. He is about the only thing that brightens my day sometimes.

I think we can officially say he is walking. He is just taking off after things since yesterday. I have early walkers I guess! Em was 8.5 months and Liam is just a month behind that! Damm, it still feels like just last month or last week I had him. How did time go by so fast these past 10 months?

Mr. Man is waking...need to run. I have to get Em in the bathtub and ready for preschool....my little beauty!